(Editor’s note: This story originally ran on April Fool’s day as a joke. It is a “car feature” that highlights the worst car I have ever claimed ownership of. This 2004 Pacifica was my wife’s daily driver for several years and it was a miserable automobile. Understand that before you proceed.) – For far too long we’ve featured historic cars, overpowered cars, cool cars, and stuff you want to see and learn about. That’s why we’re going to start featuring cars no one cares about, like this 2004 Chrysler Pacifica. Know what’s great about this grey lump? Not a damned thing. It weighs like six tons, has an engine that would lose a dyno contest to a steam tractor, and handles a little bit worse than a Ford Explorer…after it experiences tread separation from under-inflated tires. Back it all up with some smallish brakes, a transmission that has four forward speeds and likes to use three of them with regularity, an exhaust note that sounds like a mourning cow, and you’ve got the Pacifica pretty well summed up. OH! We forgot to mention that this baby is equipped with the Autostick option, meaning that you can “manually” operate the automatic by knocking the shifter back and forth. Whichever genius decided to include this option on the Pacifica is either the funniest bastard we’ve ever heard of, or someone who clearly gets enjoyment out of the pain and suffering of others. Like power shifting a school bus, it is completely pointless.

Rather than peppering you with stories about being passed by elderly people in street races, we’ll share the rest of the awesome details of the Pacifica with photos and captions below. We strongly recommend checking your jealousy bone at the door because that biatch will the throbbin’ by the time you’re done reading this.

SCROLL DOWN TO SEE THE PHOTOS AND CAPTIONS THAT TELL THE TALE OF THIS (NOT) BS APPROVED PACIFICA!

It’s like an Airflow humped a Town and Country mini-van and then had a super fat kid with asthma and a bad hip. The grill emblem is classy, though.

We see your smoked headlights and raise you a set of these bitchin’ and 100% period correct discolored ones.

Six spoke wheels wrapped in the finest high performance rubber.

This is a factory lightweight option….or the center cap got jacked in a parking lot. Factory lightweight it is!

What’s that? You thought you were looking at the inside of a Maybach? We get that a lot. Leather? Not really. GPS? No such luck. Faux woodgrain? By the yard.

Those are not rays of sunlight. They are beams of awesome coming down to drench the dash clock. Why put a dash clock in a car with a digital clock about 8-inches away? IT’S CALLED CLASS YOU HEATHENS. Know who looks at the digital clock? Common people. Pacifica drivers use the dash clock…unless it is not working which is most of the time and then they slyly sneak a peek of the digital clock and make sure no one saw them.

Some of the world’s finest simulated woods have been used throughout the Pacifica. This type is especially resistant to child vomit.

BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE – SEATING FOR SIX! Yeah, that’s a third row that folds into the floor when no being used and that takes up all the usable space in the back of the car when it is being used. Also, unless the people in the back seats are in kindergarten or pre-school, they will hate riding back there minutes after wedging their bodies into the amazingly uncomfortable third row.

We saved this for last because it is where the “go” is made to shove this sad barge down the road. 3.5L of over matched and lazy ass V6.

Here’s a parting glance, mainly so you can study what this engine looks like and run far, far away from anything powered by it in the future. Take a mental picture of this sadness.