“Yeah, take back your losing streak.
Check your front wheel drive!
You’re jammin’ me . . . Quit jammin’ me!”
-Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
Some days, a BangShifter just wakes up in a mood like that ancient curmudgeon Andy Rooney. Who knows why. Punxsutawney Phil prognosticates six more weeks of winter? Your garage is full of broken “project cars” (read: rusty junk); so you’ve got to chip another layer of ice off of some embarrassing FWD econobox just to slip and slide your way to that mind-numbing waste of time called work? Tanner Foust has a TV show? Any number of irritants can trigger a BangShifter’s inner “grump.”
Naturally, a petulant BangShifter’s thoughts drift to automotive grievances. We’re only about thirtysomething days into 2010, but there’s already a long list of things that are “jammin’ us.”
11. Carbon fiber: Sure it’s the miraculously strong and light material of modern racing cars. But it’s also a bane of motorsports. If “shards of carbon fiber” were a drinking game phrase during last weekend’s Rolex 24 at Daytona, a busload of folks would have died of alcohol poisoning! Carbon fiber is ridiculously expensive. In “shard” form, it pops tires almost as well as a police spike strip. It’s hardly practical for homestyle BangShifters. And it makes no sense for sanctioning bodies to claim to be “controlling costs” at the same time they’re allowing $400,000 carbon fiber racing cars. Leave carbon fiber to the aerospace industry.
10. Aero push: What genius thought that racing cars that cannot run in close proximity because they’re so dependent on “aerodynamic grip” was a better idea? But now, phenomena such as “aero push” (understeer caused by a reduction in front downforce) result in “thrilling” single-file queues. And it prompts endless complaining from prima donnas who would be simply terrified to race a wingless Watson roadster or an early 1960s stock car. Cut back on the aero crutches and put the races back into the hands of real drivers.
9. Marbles: – One of the side effects of Mickey Thompson’s wide/soft/slick tire revolution has been the proliferation of balled-up bits of rubber collecting “off-line” during races. These “marbles” narrow the groove and prevent much of what little passing might still occur in the aero age. Add in “shards of carbon fiber” and passing becomes nearly impossible on many circuits. Ban tires that produce marbles (or at least figure out an unobtrusive way to SWEEP the FREAKIN’ TRACK during the race)
8. The Car of Tomorrow: Forget the irony that the so-called “Car of Tomorrow” has such antique features as a carburetor, two valves per cylinder, pushrods, a four-speed transmission, and ponderous trailing arms derived from a 1960s pickup truck. The real problems with the “common template” COT are: (1) its hideous looks; (2) its total lack of brand identity; and (3) its failure to increase side-by-side racing. If all NASCAR wanted was to run a star-studded spec series based on non-production technologies, it should have just forced the manufacturers to run draggy stock-dimension reproduction bodies from the 1970s. At least you could tell ’em apart without decals. Merely returning to the “blade” spoiler won’t fix it. Dump the COT!
7. Danica Patrick: It’s not that we’re against women in racing. For example, Ashley Force Hood is a BangShifting babe who gets it done. It’s just that the hype surrounding Ms. Patrick far exceeds any of her modest accomplishments. And who isn’t tired of the question from peripheral racing fans (regardless of what kind of race is on): “How is Danica running?” Sorry, Danica doesn’t run an AMA super bike, or an IMCA modified, or a motheaten nitrous Camaro on “Pinks All Out.” Just shut up about Danica until she wins something important.
6. The sponsor list: Once a TV camera is shoved in the face of a racer, the answer to every question is apparently a robotic recitation of sponsors. Do they think we’re stupid? Every possible surface of the car and driver is covered with sponsor logos. Isn’t that enough sponsor “exposure?” Can’t the drivers just answer questions humanly and honestly without turning every exchange into a memorized, tacky commercial? Dump the script and tell us how you really feel.
5. Earnhardt: (Now we’re stepping on toes) The Earnhardts that were good have been dead for years. The ones remaining are hacks that occasionally win. It’s time to move on.
4. Show car paint jobs: (You didn’t think this list was only about racing, did you?) Sure, a “perfect,” no-orange-peel custom paint job takes a massive amount of materials, work, and craftsmanship. And some radical ones are celebrated by their fans as “art.” But “show quality” paint on an automobile is about as practical as changing your oil in an Armani tuxedo. Paint cars so that they can still be used for their intended purpose.
3. Buzzy mills: By 2016, the average new car will need to get around 40 miles per gallon to comply with the 35.5 m.p.g. Corporate Average Fuel Economy law. But who isn’t already tired of “buzzin’ half dozen” and tiny “four banger” powerplants? The noxious racket becomes even worse when an “import tuner” and a coffee-can-tip muffler are involved. If we’re going to be stuck with a future of turbocharged, electrically-assisted lumps that displace less than a soft drink bottle, at least they should sport a traditional eight cylinders. Viva V8s!
2. Rat Rods: It’s one thing to build a practical, economical “real world” hot rod paying homage to the roots of BangShifting. It’s wholly another to intentionally build something that looks like a lazily-engineered, slapdash, unsafe piece of junk. While some ”rat rods” are entertaining and highly creative, many others just reek of bad decision-making and poor judgment. And fake “patina” is as ridiculous as a sprayed-on suntan. Just as you’d have to question the choices of many “catalog CNC billet” street rodders and “body kit/wing/fart pipe” import tuners, you’ve got to wonder why many “rat rodders” spend so much to make their faux hoopties look so ridiculously ugly. Drop the hobo fashion pretense and build honest, practical, “common sense” rods.
1. Scraping: Sure, five decadeS of magazine photos have sold us on how “kool” it looks to “lay frame.” And virtually all competition cars outside of rallying ride low enough to give concussions to rattlesnakes. But anyone who has actually spent time with “slammed” machines on the street has experienced all sorts of scrapes, grinds and tire rubs. And many of us have the broken parts and repair invoices to prove it! The ugly truth is that a radically lowered vehicle usually isn’t as functional on the street as one with reasonable ride clearance. The tedium of avoiding scrapes takes much of the fun out of being “kool.” And few things look more ridiculous than jerking around town on the bumpstops or creeping and grinding into driveways. Yet just like the vain women who stubbornly wear four-inch-heel stilettos when sensible walking shoes are more in order, many of us still cling to the “belly on the ground” magazine photo look. Air suspension systems can reduce scraping. More importantly, they allow quick adjustment of street car’s ride height to accommodate foreseeable conditions. So stop “lookin’ like a fool” scraping “on the ground.”
