With the Red Ball Express adventure looming closer every day, I need to get cracking about breaking the news to my loving (currently) wife that the red, white and blue, former dirt-track racing ’68 AMC is coming home. When I break said news, she is going to hit the roof. I’ll need to put my salesman hat on and smooth things out with all the good logical reasons why I need that wonderful piece of machinery.
Which one is the winner?
Top 11 Reasons I’ll Use to Convince My Wife That I Need Freiburger’s Javelin
11) “Something needs to keep the Studebaker company”: Honey, see, look out the back window. Look at the Studebaker wagon back there. It’s lonely and afraid. It needs companionship and another car, a race car is just the vehicle to do it.
10) “It’s just the right thing to do”: I think this line, if delivered with enough passion and emotion will convince her. Either that or she’ll kick me in the yam bag.
9) “It’s got a rollcage in it already”: Hyping up the safety line may be the way to go. It also may be the wrong thing to say because the next question is going to be, “Why does it have a rollcage in it?” Telling her I want to race it on a frozen lake may not be in my best interest at that point.
8) “I’ve never seen another one like it”: In some ways, this line is a lie, in others it’s the complete truth so I have plausible deniability, something an Italian friend of mine told me. Sure, I’ve seen Javelins a-plenty in my time, but this is the first ex-dirt racer I’ve seen
7) “It’s free!”: I mean, is there a better reason for anything in life? I’m hoping that in her state of uncontrollable rage, she’ll look past the part where I’m going to have to spend a bunch of money to get it working and running. This is like the flash grenade of reasons.
6) “It will keep me away from gangs and drugs”: It’s a stretch, but I’ve heard people say that project cars helped keep kids away from a bunch of bad junk. She may not be convinced that a guy, knocking on the door of his 30s, would become gang banger on the mean streets of Southeastern Massachusetts, but you never know.
5) “This is a perfect project to work on with the boys”: Sounds perfect right? The catch is that “the boys” are two years and ten weeks old respectively.
4) “I’m doing this to help Freiburger”: This is certain to be a fail because uttering the bosses name in my house is akin to barking out a different F-word, except that one ends in k.
3) “This is my dream car”: Admittedly, I’d never be able to get those five words out of my mouth without collapsing with laughter. I’m not sure if she’d buy it, because I have said that for just about every derelict piece of iron I have dragged back to our place over the years.
2) “You have 100 pairs of shoes, I can’t have a couple cars?”: This is my nuclear option. If I am dragged into a fight I am going to lead with that one. The problem of course is that her shoes all fit into a closet, and my cars, well, they fit into our yard. Come to think about it, this is a horrible argument. I’m screwed.
1) “I’ll let you drive”: If I have to resort to outright lying, I will. Shame? This guy has none.