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Rumor Mill: Volkswagen To Offer Up Over 300,000 Diesel-Powered Cars To U.S. Armed Forces As Targets

Rumor Mill: Volkswagen To Offer Up Over 300,000 Diesel-Powered Cars To U.S. Armed Forces As Targets

Volkswagen has a huge problem in America: vast fields of cars that fell under the “Dieselgate” scandal, returned to the company by angry consumers who felt that they had been duped by the promise of “clean diesel” technology. Almost overnight, Volkswagen went from the car of the upturned nose type who felt that they had bypassed both the cavemen in their pickup trucks and the eco-weenies in their Prius with the proper middle ground, a perfect example of compromise that got great fuel mileage, was practical, and most importantly to them, didn’t have an American manufacturer’s name on it. Then Dieselgate came out into the open and suddenly, that great idea became the nightmare…a little car that polluted more than a Chevrolet Suburban thanks to a cheat device that may have had roots directly from a manufacturer that was trying to avoid the EPA’s rules. Your car was now worse than the kid in the Cummins Dodge when it came to the environment. You couldn’t drive around town without some pretentious prick leaving a passive-aggressive note on the car. And now, Mr. Upturned Nose has had to find a new set of wheels while the Jetta he had been enjoying sits in one of the thirty-seven parking lots filled to the brim of Volkswagens that possess the demon tweak from the factory.

That’s a lot of rolling stock to deal with…but how do you deal with it? Apparently Volkswagen, keen on getting back into the good graces of the American government, has taken an unorthodox step: according to a rumor mill with several individual sources, elements from Volkswagen of America have approached high-ranking members of each of the Armed Forces in regards to using the dirty VWs as targets on ranges. Instead of just sitting in places like the former Silverdome’s parking lot, the cars would be shipped or trucked to a range facility where tanks, aircraft and military personnel will reduce Jettas, Golfs, Beetles and Passats into itty-bitty scraps before returning the mess back to a recycling facility. While the program will have costs (the cars do have to be drained of fluids and the cost of shipping will fall on Volkswagen), the company believes that compared to bringing in the vehicles for a full dismantling would be more expensive.

Quoting a VW source who was not willing to give his name: “We are reprogramming ECUs on some of the cars to meet the EPA’s guidelines, yes. But what do you do with some of the cars that were turned in? We’ve got cars with hundreds of thousands of miles already on them, plus the cars that were turned in stripped. We can’t do anything with them that doesn’t end in the junkyard anyways, so why not let the Air Force bomb the hell out of them before we put them through a shredder? At least then someone will get some use out of our cars.” No member of the Armed Forces had any comment at this time, but it’s believed that at least the Army and the Air Force are seriously looking into the program to replace HMMWVs as the current range target, instead opting to turn the iconic military truck into more profit as they are sold at auction to the public.

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9 thoughts on “Rumor Mill: Volkswagen To Offer Up Over 300,000 Diesel-Powered Cars To U.S. Armed Forces As Targets

  1. chevy hatin' mad geordie

    Why not give them away to disadvantaged people who need cars in order to secure jobs or get their kids to school?

    1. Donny Chops

      Good idea Geordie but America doesn’t think like that . It’s as bad as all the gourmet food left over on Las Vegas buffet’s has to be thrown away [ tons of it per week ] instead of feeding the homeless or people that could use it .

      1. Stickman

        Up until several years ago. A lot was used to feed the pig farm and also boiled down to render the fat for cosmetics.

      2. 79TA

        Nice to see cynicism getting in the way of critical thinking to the point of not recognizing an April fool’s joke.

  2. Henrik

    Nice april 1 joke. the last wv needs is more attention in an already imbarresing situation.

  3. Tim

    Why not send them back to Mexico where they were built? There is nothing funnier than seeing the look on Mr., Mrs., Miss or especially Ms. Upturned Nose’s face when you point out their better than you, premium German VW was built in Mexico.

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