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Unhinged: Holiday Traffic And The Angry Human Being


Unhinged: Holiday Traffic And The Angry Human Being

Ok, is it just me or did everybody lose the ability to properly operate a motor vehicle shortly after Thanksgiving? That’s not one of my normal rhetorical questions, I really want to know, because this year it seems that everybody who is out on the roads near BangShift Mid-West did a fantastic impression of stuffing, utilizing their gray matter and excluding any bit of bird whatsoever. We haven’t even had snow or ice yet, and I’m already wondering if I should yank the 360 out of the Imperial, dump it into an old Dodge truck with the kind of front bumper you could let Yukon Cornelius jump on all day long without fear, and proceed to start bashing every last hunch-backed little silver CUV that backs out into the middle of the parking row without the driver giving so much as a cursory glance at it’s twenty-five different cameras and other warning systems. It seems that just might be the only way to get people to focus on the task of driving at hand, instead of trying to calm down children, get their blood pressure under 130/80, and simultaneously swallow yet another playing of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You”. 

Going off my rocker for comedy today? Nope. You see that Chevrolet Silverado SS? That is the one vehicle at BangShift Mid-West that I’ve been warned to keep my grubby mitts off of without permission. That is Haley’s pride and joy, her baby. And that is a ragged-out GMC Savana parked dead into it. This happened while we were grocery shopping…not even out hunting Christmas gifts or trying to beat the crowds for Black Friday sales, effing grocery shopping! Happy Holidays to us, we’ve got a date with a jolly old insurance adjuster to find out just how much this is gonna cost us. We were at a Christmas parade in Glasgow, Kentucky a few days later, and as the parade ended and we got ready to leave, we watched as some anonymous SUV backed directly into the nose of a fairly new Cadillac Escalade without so much as a hint of braking. We’re not talking a slow, accidental thump, either. We’re talking, “OK, let’s get the hell out of here before traffic gets any **WHAM!**…..well, shit.” We never did see the owners of the Cadillac show up, but I have a hunch that some halls got decked. I’m almost afraid of taking the Chrysler or the Cruze into town at this point, because one is enough. Maybe I should start driving the Imperial more…open exhaust and all. No amount of bell-ringing or overplayed music will drown that loud mother out.

Folks, I beseech you: it’s the holiday season. Regardless of what you celebrate, regardless of where you are at or what you are doing, please do everybody else on the roads a favor: pull your head out of your ass and focus on driving safely. Don’t drink and drive. Don’t do stupid shit. Between now and New Year’s Day, the cops will be out in force and so will the panicked, the stressed, the drunk and the impatient. Unless you’ve got a 1975 Marquis with battering rams at the ready (and if you do,…WTF, Uncle Buck?!) be cautious, be careful and be safe. Save the aggressive driving and general disdain for humankind for when your nephew wants to show you things on Grand Theft Auto.

(Cover photo: MyNorthwest.com)


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10 thoughts on “Unhinged: Holiday Traffic And The Angry Human Being

  1. Chevy Hatin' Mad Geordie

    Thankfully your habit of covering your cars with “Holiday Bling” hasn’t reached the UK – and for that I am truly giving thanks!

  2. Skeptical

    My normally sub 4 hour trip took over 5 hours yesterday. I saw the worst driving, non cargo securing nonsense of the 25 years on the road. It’s not just you seeing this stuff McTaggart. There was what was left of a dresser on I-4, two giant chrome looking things on I-75 that looked like giant lampshades and for the finally… I see sparks coming from the car in front of me (at night) that turned out to be a giant metal filing cabinet bouncing off that car and just missing me. What the hell is going on? What can we do to try and stop this madness?

  3. elkyguy

    preaching to the choir,my friend—idiots blasting past you(in either oncoming lanes,or center lanes) just to get a single car length ahead of you at the light,dumasses glued to their phone,which is mounted directly in their line of sight,red light runners—i can promise you,i’ll see all three of these on my morning commute(530 in the am,and only 15 miles)—unfortunately,they won’t read this,nor would it register on them if they did…sigh…..

    1. Hippi

      I’m in the exact same time frame and boat as you my little dashcam has picked up more red light runners this year than ever before

  4. Dick Sappington

    Be thankful you’re not in L.A., bad enough normally, but this time of year?
    Some years ago I coughed up this little bit, perhaps they’ve expanded their market since then. 😀

    H.D.I.

    H.D.I. (Holiday Drivers Incorporated) is a Phoenix firm that supplies a seasonal product of several thousand brain dead drivers to Los Angeles and environs for the holidays each year. It’s the only explanation that covers the fact of the massive increase in traffic and idiots that starts every Halloween, and runs through New Year.

    Sadly though, 10% to 15% of’em decide they like it here, and refuse to return to Arizona afterward. This also explains the perplexing annual bump in post Rose Bowl population numbers here in the Southland.

    At least most of those staying manage to learn to drive slightly more rationally by Valentine’s Day, thus fitting in a tad better, and explaining the gradual easing of the problem by each St. Patrick’s Day, when normal drinking & driving traffic returns to our beloved SoCal.

    For the thin of skin; the preceding has been approved as humor by our local chapter of the “American National Tongue In Cheek Society” co-op (A.N.T.I.C.S., SoCal chapter.) Enjoy as such.

  5. jerry z

    That is why I drive a 17 yr old pickup with 280K miles. Make my day, cause I wouldn’t care less if you want to squeeze into my lane so you can get 3 car ahead. Not going to happen.

    Yes the holidays….where common sense is optional from Thanksgiving to New Years.

  6. Mopar or No Car

    Auto insurers know the days of the year statistically having the most accidents.
    1. Valentine’s Day
    2. Last shopping day before Christmas
    3. The week after a daylight saving time change

  7. old guy

    there is no rhyme or reason for the things drivers do
    5 cars drove past a stopped bus with the flashers going
    start to change lanes while you are beside them
    Jerry Z has the right idea – mid 90’s I had a 84 crown vic w/a
    crumpled front corner – go ahead . make my day
    my son just totaled an all black 07 Ford PI –
    people would still do stupid shit right in front of that
    beware of (1) Prius drivers (2) crip tickets (3) Prius w/a crip ticket
    They AIM at me …..

  8. 3nine6

    Just like jerry z, that’s why I drive junk as a daily. Wanna fight me in a merge lane in your over-priced SUV, go for it. My ’03 F-150 is already beat and battered and it won’t bother me a bit to add a few more battle scars.

  9. Colinv

    Here in western Canada I get to ply the roadways daily, and it’s been this way for many years now. I a quick easy vote buying way our politicians turned driving from a privilege into a right, it would seem. Most of all the drivers here, any and all types of vehicles, shouldn’t be allowed to push a wheelbarrow without their helmets on, let alone operate a motor vehicle.

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