Okay, let’s chalk up the last couple of weeks since Labor Day: You got stuck cooking what is inevitably a feast for thirty that only ten members of your family actually bothered to show up and eat on, and during that dinner at least three solid family fights broke out, one of which is going to have some hard feelings going for the next couple of years. You then piled into the car to join everybody else who thought they were getting some fantastic deal by camping in line with consumers who had all the patience and understanding of a starved mountain lion who smelled fresh blood. That was then followed by tons of gift wrapping, the cleanup, the house cleaning, the time spent wondering what to get everyone you’ll actually buy presents for, and before you know it you’ll have to dance around pretending to be a fat dude dressed like a 1970s pimp crossed with a hunting show star to make sure your kids don’t lost their minds come December 25th morning. So yea, we might be in the mood for a little bit of bash-it-crash-it demolition derby action. Especially if you’ve been out shopping lately.

We here at BangShift Mid-West are certainly over the holiday shopping season. Haley’s Silverado got a nose job courtesy of a runaway van and the Chrysler nearly got T-boned just a couple of hours before I started writing this story. I never thought I’d say this, but suddenly I want the Cadillac limo back. Nothing would make me happier than to see people GTFO out of my way, scared at the possibility of 20 feet of American overkill threatening to do their crossover harm. But the problem is that the Cadillac wouldn’t have taken a hit. I do know what will, however: early 1970s Chrysler Newport. Thump that tank in the bumper and I’ll thump that sport-ute straight into the runoff pond on the east side of Wal-Mart with glee.

Tis’ the season…