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The Superbowl Car Ads: Speedy Picks the Winners, Watch Them Here!


The Superbowl Car Ads: Speedy Picks the Winners, Watch Them Here!

The Super Bowl is probably the closest thing to a universal social event in America. Even the most hard-core BangShifters probably watched at least part of it. But the real Super Bowl wasn’t fought on the gridiron. The main event was the epic battle of the advertisers. It’s the admen’s annual Donnybrook, slugged out at more than $100,000 per second.

And the bottom line of the Super Bowl advertising for BangShifters has nothing to do with a body-slammed Betty White, electro-shocking dog collars, or fiddling beavers. It’s about who ran the best automotive-themed ad.

Let’s get ready to rumble!

1. “Man’s Last Stand” –Dodge Challenger R/T
(USA Today Ad meter: 6.42, Rank: 23): It goes without saying that for BangShifters, the only ad featuring a HEMI V8 would be number one. But this low-budget spot delivers more more. Millions of middle-aged BangShifters undoubtedly could hear themselves repeating the same litany of soul-crushing promises necessary to responsible adulthood. And when the Hemi Charger R/T thundered onto the screen, it literally seemed that it was the last bastion of male freedom! Even I was ready to join the Dodge Rebellion! About the only way it could have been any better (or less subtle) was if it had featured a white “Vanishing Point” Challenger SRT-8 ripping a monster burnout! “Man’s Last Stand” was a swaggering thumb in the eye of typical, politically-correct, inoffensive, neutered “appliance car” advertising. When the “green police” regulate the Hemi out of existence, we’ll look back on this ad as a classic.

2. “Green Police” — Audi (USA Today Ad meter: 7.35, Rank: 6): Speaking of the green police…this ad probably cost fifty times as much as the Charger ad. And the car they were advertising is some sort of non-BangShiftable, shrink-wrapped Audi turbodiesel. Yawn. But the rocking Cheap Trick sound track and the unmistakable message that the “green police” are going too far tapped into our angst about the future. Well done!

3. “Punch Dub” – Volkswagen (USA Today Ad meter: 6.58, Rank: 16): If you had kids in the ‘80s, you painfully learned the “Slug Bug” game. Now somebody in VW’s ad agency wants to reinvent it as “punch dub.” They even went for the cheap blind guy joke with a cameo of Stevie Wonder. The fact that this auto ad ranks third points to the paucity of creative car advertising during the “big game.”


 
 
4. “Bachelor Party” – Bridgestone (USA Today Ad meter: 7.24, Rank: 9): The concept for this strange ad was “Free Willy” with a Chevy Avalanche as bachelor party entertainment. Apparently, Bridgestone tires are great for making bootleg turns on wood piers with tons of whale in the back. But how are they going to that fish smell out of the truck for the honeymoon? At least they didn’t show any Japanese whalers trying to whack Shamu.
 

5. “Your Tires or Your Life” – Bridgestone (USA Today Ad Meter: 5.82, Rank: 42) Apparently forgetting that “your tires or your life” could have summed up the Bridgestone/Explorer fiasco, Bridgestone offered a motley crew of highwaymen at a roadblock. Of course the hapless hihack driver mistakenly hears “wife” instead of “life” and offers up his smokin’ hot model spouse so he can keep his ‘Stones. What an idiot!

 


6. “Vacation” – Home Away.com
(USA Today Ad meter: 7.07, Rank: 13) While it was fun to see the old Wagon Queen Family Truckster and a retirement-aged Clark and Ellen Griswold (Beverly D’Angelo is still sort of hot, probably the best thing about this nostalgic spot was remembering back when they build real V8-powered All-American station wagons instead of FWD minivans.

 


7. “Pizza Delivery” – Papa John’s Pizza
(USA Today Ad meter: 5.44, Rank 50) Surely Papa John has featured his fat-tired high school Camaro in enough ads that he can write it off on his taxes. A tired concept.

 

8. “2020 MVP” – Hyundai (USA Today Ad meter: 5.45, Rank 49): Hyundai pounded the Super Bowl with advertising. Hyundai was even the title sponsor of the “kickoff show.” But most of Hyundai’s stuff t was boring and forgettable. The “2020 MVP” spot, featuring an aged Brett Favre’s victory speech as the NFL’s most valuable player in 2020 was Hyundai’s best because the Korean transportation appliance didn’t show up until the very end.

 


9.“Sock Monkey” – Kia
minivan (USA Today Ad meter: 6.10, Rank: 34): If you’ve got a toddler, you immediately recognized the characters from Nick Jr.’s awful music show “Yo Gabba Gabba.” If not, you probably wondered why a giant, bumpy orange prophylactic was juking around on your TV set. This testosterone-sapping ad was the polar opposite to the Dodge Challenger spot. However, it did confirm one thing: most Kia drivers are sock monkeys.

 


10. Battle of the Human Bridges: Budweiser versus Hyundai
: Two commercials featured people holding up vehicles. Both were stupid. The highest ranking one was Budweiser’s “Human Bridge” (USA Today Ad meter: 7.19, Rank: 8). It was another in Bud’s series of commercials about crazed alcoholics who would do just about anything for another brewski. This time a whole town turned out to form a human bridge for a 30,000-pound beer truck. At least it had something with an engine in it. Hyundai’s ad touted their invader assembly plant in Alabama. A hoard of assembly workers carrying a foreign-engineered Hyundai sedan through the plant with the voice-over suggestion that Hyundais are so good, it’s almost like they’re built by hand. We suspect the Hyundai was really just full of Budweiser…

 

 


11. “Accord Crosstour” – Honda
(USA Today Ad meter: 5.54, Rank: 47) Some sort of animated rodent “Can’t get enough of that funky stuff” . . . at least until he sees Honda’ s new hatchback. Another awful Japanese rip-off of vintage American music for a nerdy car that most BangShifters wouldn’t get caught dead in.

 

DISHONORABLE MENTION: Go Daddy/Danica Patrick – Go Daddy ran a pair of Danica “bodice ripper” ads that were the lowest ranked of all commercials during the Super Bowl. If even beer-sotted Budweiser fans (who apparently are wasted enough to enjoy commercials lampooning themselves) cannot see any humor in Go Daddy’s tasteless spots, it’s probably time to come up with a different campaign.

 


CAR AD THAT WAS TOO BORING TO RATE: “Hero” – Cars.com
(USA Today Ad meter: 7.07, Rank 12). The concept: Brilliant, successful guy that’s afraid of buying a car. BangShifting take: Watch the Charger Ad, Dude! That’ll tell you all you need to know. 

 

 

 


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