Let’s face it, most of us don’t drive like idiots all the time. Sometimes…but not all the time. Sure, we will do the occasional burnout, hang the ass end out, or brake check our buddies, but for the most part we just cruise from point A to point B with the radio going and our arm hanging out the window. That is until you strap into a rental car. I say you, cause the following statement DOES NOT apply to me. When you get into a rental car you treat it like it is your mother’s and drive like a giant pussy.

Let me explain why this doesn’t make sense. Renting a car is like getting permission from your spouse to do whatever you want to the hot celebrity of your choice, who has also agreed to said terms. Yes it is like that. It is a free license to beat the damn thing like a rented mule. There is a reason that the rented mule term was made up years ago. You wouldn’t beat your own mule to hell, but one you rented was fair game.

Now don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean you crash your rental car into a tree, car, or whatever just to do it. Although I want to, and will talk about that more below. It means that you paid to use those tires and should feel free to roast them as long as you return them in serviceable condition. You should get your money’s worth out of the shocks, engine, trans, and differential. It is your duty. You paid for it. Plus it’s a matter of safety.

I mean you didn’t service this vehicle. You are taking the word of some $12 per hour girl behind the counter, that the $10 per hour “technician”/ lot jockey has maintained your rental properly. In my world, making sure that the parking/emergency brake, steering, shifter, and suspension are all in proper working order is my duty to all the other folks I have to share the road with. Now that I think about it, I’m providing a public service. I should get a government grant for this. Yo President Obama, I’m over here. Saving people. Hook a brother up.

So here is my routine that must be performed in each and every rental car I get into, and that is typically 25 or more per year. This routine works for me, but if you are not comfortable with any aspect of my routine then feel free to modify your routine as needed.

After choosing your options, coverage, etc and being shown to your car, the first order of business to is to check the “In Neutral” Rev Limiter. Many of you may not be aware, but there has been a rash of “unintended acceleration” cases throughout the U.S. in import cars. Since most rental counters rent some kind of import it is smart to test each and every car. So, while firmly pressing the brake pedal, in park and neutral, I will firmly place the accelerator pedal on the floor. Depending on the car you have gotten this may or may not be a funny moment. Sometimes they are relatively boring. I typically do this while still parked in the spot at the rental agency, but at a minimum as soon as I pull out onto the street. In the airport parking structure is my favorite since most of the other renters around you won’t be expecting that.

The next step is the “Under Load” Rev Limit Test. This can be accomplished within ¼ mile of the rental agency, but should also be repeated at least once daily during the duration of your rental. By placing the car in low gear, and leaving it there, while flooring it, you can accelerate through first gear to see how high the rev limit or automatic shift point is. Now don’t be alarmed if the vehicle you are operating automatically shifts for you despite having the shifter in low gear. This is a feature that is found on nearly all new cars. And it sucks. If you happen to be lucky enough to rent a Chevrolet Aveo, or Toyota Yaris, you won’t be burdened with such technological advances. You also won’t be burdened with power windows or door locks, but that’s another Chadmouth. FYI, the Aveo will go 39 mph on the limiter in 1st gear, 72 mph in 2nd, and so on. It’s a riot, and arguably the only way to make one of these trashy little cars fun.

The rest of these Rental Car “Tests” can be selected as needed. I don’t always fulfill each test on each rental, but I do my best. I wouldn’t want someone to accuse me of not being thorough. Read on and enjoy.

With ATF assistance, the Aveo may do a burnout, I’m not sure. We haven’t tried. The Yaris most certainly will after turning off the traction control. What? You can’t find the traction control button? It doesn’t have one. So you have to get all trick and stuff. Here is the procedure for turning off the traction control on a Toyota Yaris.

With the car off, and the e-brake on, start the car. Press the brake pedal twice and hold it down the second time while pushing the e-brake down, then up, then down, then up. Release the foot brake and then pump two more times. The traction control light will turn on and you are good to go…until you shut the car off again. Then you have to start all over. If you feel confident that nobody will steal your rental, leave it running non-stop.

Using your Rental Car as a Generator.

We do this a lot. Yes, it is cheaper to put gas in your rental car than to rent a generator for an event. So, bring your inverter with you, along with a couple small tools and wire that bitch up. Several BangShift.com live broadcasts have been powered by a rental car. It’s a new car, it doesn’t care, it will idle all day long in 100 degree heat and never get warm. And if it did? Would you care? Exactly. You are learning. I’m proud.

Suspension and Brake Testing.

At some point during your rental period, you should be doing e-brake slides, Rockfords, 4 wheel drifts, or all out racing with your rental car. Seriously, you should. Empty industrial park or shopping mall back lots are perfect for some of this fun, or if you are anywhere near a local autocross, go kart track, or Goodguys show then come on down! Keep in mind that there is always fine print somewhere that says you promise not to enter your rental car into any type of “speed contest”. I would argue that using the word speed in reference to anything you would do in a standard rental car automatically makes all the slow stuff legal. The judge may not agree. I haven’t tested it.

Drag racing a rental car is also a great idea. I once raced a Pontiac Grand Prix GT rental car every week for months up at Sears Point. I was runner up my first day out. I won or was runner up too many times to count. I won the jackpot class with the damn thing going up against 8 and 9 second cars. It was bitchin. Oh and installing nitrous on one takes mere minutes. We’ll show you how later this year. Minutes. Like less than 10. Oh yeah.

Aerodynamics Testing.

Most of you are thinking…..hhhhhmmmmmmmm how in the hell does Chad test the aerodynamics of a rental car? I mean clearly I’m not out trying to run the thing at some land speed event like the Texas Mile. Oh wait, I could do that in a rental car their since they don’t care about the safety. Ooops, that wasn’t nice. Oh well. Anyway, back to aerodynamics. Maybe aeronautics is more appropriate. Yeah, that’s it. Yes, I’m talking about the flight characteristics of a given rental car.

I know it sounds a little crazy. And this is arguably one of the more difficult tests you can perform on your rental car, because having a place to fly one depends on geography and topography. But, where there is a will there is a way, and good driveways, railroad tracks, and backroads are often ready and waiting for your Dukes of Hazzard impression.

FYI, I jumped ONE of said Pontiac Grand Prix’s off some railroad tracks in Morgan Hill California with my drunk buddy Sean riding shotgun. After multiple attempts, each more successful than the last, we finally did the 70mph plus hit. Even in a drunken stupor, Sean had enough time to think of and then mouth the tune played by the horn in the General Lee. All while in the air. Not before, not after. Just during the time in the air. It was that good. The axle came all the way out of the car. I drove it 50 miles to return it at the rental counter. I said I didn’t know about cars. It was beyond cool. I almost felt bad.

Everything I’ve said “could” get you into trouble. It might or might not. You have to decide if the reward is worth the risk. Oh, and Daphne swears that her cars suffer from my bad karma since I’m mean to rental cars. Oh, and all this stuff is illegal, and probably spelled out as not allowed in the rental contract. Consider yourself warned. It’s not going to stop me. In fact, we have a HUGE rental car test coming up. You’ll have to wait, but it will be the most epic use of a rental car….EVER.

No really, it’s going to &*^$%#^ rule!!!

Editors Note: At least test the rev limiters for me. I will be proud.