We’ve been fairly lucky this year when it comes to the type of bad news that is so facepalm-ingly bad that we end up with a hand-shaped bruise on our forehead. Unfortunately for us, this week there were two outright bombs that were so bad that my stomach churned. So open your beer, pour your shots, or uncork the whole damn bottle of wine, because this is gonna get ugly.
1. Cadillac Haz The Dumb
We’ve made mention of the upcoming rear-wheel-drive flagship Caddy sedan that is reportedly a four-door version of the Elmiraj concept car recently. Meant to be a red-white-and-blue-blooded “F You!” to the Germans and the Japanese masters of luxury, the sedan is anticipated to be a return to the swagger that Cadillac had in the Sixties. So, about that name…prior to this week the “LTS” moniker was being thrown around, and for such an important and prestigious sedan, a stupid-ass alphanumeric nameplate like the ones that have plagued us since the mid-1990s just wouldn’t do, right? Pick something: Eldorado, Fleetwood, Elmiraj…whatever. Just don’t name it after what you saw when your phone tried to butt-dial the Philippines.
Unfortunately for everyone who is paying attention, it was announced this week that the name of the Caddy that the company has their hopes and dreams floating upon will be….wait for it…CT6. The Cadillac CT6.
Are…you…effing…kidding…me? First off, seeing it in type makes me think of CAT-scan for some damn reason. Then there’s the illogical rationale: Because the Cadillac CTS (which, by the way, stands for Catera Touring Sedan…yes, THAT Catera) has become such a halo car for Cadillac, all models will become a CT-something, with the number having some arbitrary meaning of position and size. Except that the older models won’t be renamed until a refresh, and the Escalade will keep it’s name, because the only way to appropriately use the new system would make it the Cadillac CT5594. The cars are great, but whoever thought this naming strategy was a great idea should be drug out in front of Cadillac’s new office in SoHo and forced to eat bacon cheeseburgers with donuts as buns until we get a full season’s worth of When Hipsters Attack.
2. Justin Bieber is the new voice of K.I.T.T.
Wonderful. Justin Bieber is going play the voice of the Knight Industries Two Thousand, a Pontiac Firebird that has eleven more years on planet Earth than that bouffant-equipped man-child. Supposedly the deal was done for an upcoming comedy called Killing Hasselhoff. Not touching that one with a ten-foot pole, it’s too easy. According to an article on Yahoo!, here’s how the deal went down, in Hasselhoff’s own words:
“He called me and asked me for a favor. I called him back and said, ‘As a friend, could you do me a favor.’ And he said, ‘Yes.’ And you know what? I did his favor first because I love the Bieb. I think he’s a cool kid, and he gets a bad rap. He’s a good guy, and I like his music. I’ve known him for five years, since the European Music Awards. I called him and said, ‘Would you do me a favor?’ And he said, ‘Yes’.”
Gotcha, perfectly clear. A black Trans-Am with the all-seeing flashing red eye up front and that Canadian dork talking to Hoff through the speaker…words fail me. I’m wondering if William Daniels punched something when he learned of this. Way to go, Hasselhoff. Way to go. Hey, look, there’s a cheeseburger in the kitchen.
And as for Bieber…let me be blunt: The dude can’t act like an adult, can’t act like a teen heartthrob, can’t act like he gives a crap about anyone or anything except tattoos, his torso and street racing Lamborghinis, and can’t act like he’s even remotely sorry when one of his hijinks draws the attention of cops or the RCMP. Throwing that kid a bone is like giving money to the homeless guy who is leaning against a BMW 7-series.
Hopefully the Hoff is just trolling us. That’s pretty terrible news otherwise.
Not only is Cadillac’s new naming method stupid, it’s not even original. Infiniti took up that method like a year ago, with all the cars being Q##s and the SUVs being QX##.
And the person responsible for this is Cadillac CEO Johan de Nysschen, who recently left Nissan/Infiniti.
Ahhhhhhh, it all makes sense now.
I think it should be named the SUX. Kinda fits their lettering theme pretty close.
Agreed and agreed.
Cadillac:
“We are so incredible and stand out from the competition we must start using letter and number designations like the competition”
Beiber:
F&#$ you Val Kilmer and Justin Beiber
http://youtu.be/yBqOgtk1-Bo
Cadillac – Is out of ideas . Period ! Has been in fact going on the last decade or so . GM having completely lost the plot of Cadillac being AMERICA’s Luxury Hot Rod and instead choosing to build and market pathetic rebadged Chevy/Opel/DaeWoos masquerading as EuroSnob pastiches that don’t work worth a damn !
Justin Beiber – If he were anyone else .. he would of been deported months ago . Unfortunately for us the US Government plays favorites with celebrities when it comes to immigration violations and Canada ( wisely I might add ) doesn’t want the little snipe back !
Ugh … now where did I put that bottle of Stranahan’s ?
http://www.stranahans.com/
So Cadillac is joining Lincoln in stupid and Infiniti in being stupid. Infinti has Q and Lincoln has MK. Now Cadillac has CT. Now get Ford to use FU and Chrysler to use FU2. 🙂
..and hey . Don’t forget about BMW where a 1 is now a 2 , what a 2 now is nobody knows [ including half the dealers in the US ] , a 4 is s 2dr , a 3 is a 4dr , a 6 is god knows what , and what the heck is a 5 , X no longer marks the spot [ and is about to become a MINI ala the X1 ] ..
A Jeep is now a FIAT . Ferrari’s becoming ‘ American ‘ … and on and on !
And don’t even get me started about whats really underneath most of the so called ‘ premium ‘ crap being sold these days !
Lets face it . The consumer be damned . Confusion now reigns supreme when it comes to the majority of auto makers in this so called ‘ Golden Age ‘ of automotive production and sales
In other words . It aint about them being stupid . Its all about them thinking we are and confusing matters enough to make sure thats how we come across
Yeah, BMW has really gone off the deep end lately, with weird niche vehicles that nobody asked for. And making the sedan a 3-series and the coupe a 4-series still makes exactly ZERO sense
Just for note: in Grand Theft Auto 5, the parody of the Infinity FX crossover is the Fathom FQ2. I think I could get behind that naming system…
On Caddy- What the hell is wrong with you people?! Nothing like trying to kill them off the way they did with Pontiac and Olds. This is such a bad stupid idea-fire somebody!
Bieber- Please. I really liked Knight rider. Now not so much. Hassellhoff needs a smack.
The world moves closer to the end of the use of what little intelligence we have
I has always hated the alpha-numeric naming conventions. Reeks of a lack of creativity. I don’t even have a comment for the Biebs being KITT. At least NO ONE will watch the movie.
This makes me sick. Let’s just hope they use another bondo ridden Dodge Stealth reskinned as some type of Banshee wannabee as the new KITT for this (yes, I know they called it a “KIFT” in that sorry made for TV movie)
Audi hasn’t been any more original for decades. A3, A4, A5, A6 etc. etc. etc.
As far as Knight Rider, no comment.