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Scrapple, Your Guide To The “meh”-worthy News: This Week, New Teslas, Stormtrooper Chargers, And Sergio Wants A Hug…

Scrapple, Your Guide To The “meh”-worthy News: This Week, New Teslas, Stormtrooper Chargers, And Sergio Wants A Hug…

The calendar says September, but it’s still hot enough outside that we could throw all of the news scraps into a frying pan, stick them on the roof of a car, wait all day, and have dinner cooked and ready. In fact, that’s kind of what we’ve done here…we took everything we weren’t going to serve up immediately and let it sit until now. Get your hot sauce ready, this is Scrapple…now with extra burnt flavor!

1. It’s like buying your Tesla Roadster all over again…

roadster burnout

Do you remember the Tesla Roadster? It’s actually surprising how many people don’t, but the Lotus Elise-based Tesla Roadster was the first vehicle from the company and was a decent performer for what was still looked upon as a novelty. I’ll speak from experience…I got my ass handed to me by one in a stoplight drag race in Las Vegas about five or so years ago. But the Roadsters are aging, and so are the battery packs. Tesla is now preparing to offer replacement packs for the cars. For a $5,000 deposit, your name will be added to the list of waiting owners. The cost of the new packs: $29,000. And they aren’t compatible with the Supercharger system, but they will offer 35% more power capacity and give-or-take 40% more range. Whoo-hoo? For twenty-nine grand, I’d be shopping the barely-used car lots for a gas miser or Miata instead.

2. Speaking of…New Teslas! Yay! NEW TESLAS! 

model x

On the rosier side of the news from Elon and Friends, two new Teslas have been revealed in their final forms: the smaller Model 3 sedan and the Ford Edge-like Model X crossover with the “falcon doors” still in place. The Model X is slated to be a screamer, much like the Model S P90D, with a 0-60 time of 3.2 seconds, while the Model 3 is slated to start at about $35,000…or, a little more than half of a nicely equipped Model S. Any “Back To The Daycare” jokes for the Model X yet?

3. Is there a Darth Vader Hellcat Challenger nearby?


Something-something “Dark Side”. It has to do with Star Wars and a partnership with Hot Wheels and Uber, where if you use the Uber app a Stormtrooper Charger would pick you up and take you on a free (for the first thirty minutes, anyways) ride in the Manhattan area. Just a question: they can’t find two droids if their life depended on it…how the hell are they going to find someone needing a ride from Kesté after binging on pizza?

4. Um, Sergio? No means no, man.


Sergio Marchionne simply won’t take “no” for an answer when it comes to his concept of an FCA/GM merger. And now it’s starting to get weird. We’re just going to put the actual quote from Automotive News here, you can judge for yourself:

“It would be unconscionable not to force a partner,” he said.

That sounds like a hostile takeover bid is in the works.

“Not hostile,” said the FCA chief. “There are varying degrees of hugs. I can hug you nicely, I can hug you tightly, I can hug you like a bear, I can really hug you. Everything starts with physical contact. Then it can degrade, but it starts with physical contact.”

 Show me on the doll where the man in the black pull-over sweater touched you…

5. Bentley aims for the new Bentayga SUV to become the world’s fastest brick


187 MPH (301 KPH). That is how fast Bentley claims that the Bentayga, the only possible way to make a Bentley Flying Spur any bigger, will be. You can be the judge of whether or not the performance SUV trend has hit the heights of good or bad taste, but the 12-cylinder brick will move and will be expensive…like “new house” expensive.

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7 thoughts on “Scrapple, Your Guide To The “meh”-worthy News: This Week, New Teslas, Stormtrooper Chargers, And Sergio Wants A Hug…

  1. Chevy Hatin' Mad Geordie

    So things have been kind of quiet over at BangShift HQ or you were all still hammered after a huge session last night – which explains this skein of terminal boredom,,,,,,,,,

  2. Barry_R

    The gullwing doors are an amusing curiosity on an exotic sports car. They have epic entertainment potential on an SUV destined (in theory) for a life of parking in mall lots, suburban garages, and low clearance parking structures.

    1. TheSilverBuick

      I haven’t measured them myself, but according to the DeLorean stats the gull-wing doors require less lateral space to open than you’d normally need to get out of a conventional door.

      As for the height, good point!! I’ve parked in some parking garages that had scary low ceiling heights!

  3. mooseface

    I have to wonder if the same techbro-types that cried up a storm when the upgraded Model S released with more ponies at the wheels will complain about the whole Roadster battery situation.

    As far as the Bentayga goes, it looks exactly the same as every other jellybean-looking crossover on the planet. If they’re going to ask for Bentley money for a pointless crossover, at least distinguish it from the pack a little better.

    I want to end this comment on a positive note instead of just griping because I like to believe that I’m not an asshole, and here goes:
    I’m very fond of the front clip of the Charger: it’s probably the best-looking four-door on the market here in the US, and the “StormTrooper Edition” cars look great because the black-and-white contrast really sets that clip off. Gimmick or not, I could look at that photo of the three Dodges all day long.

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