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Scrapple, Your Weekly Guide To The “meh”-worthy News: A Super-Sized Edition! From Horrible Law Proposals To Horrible Companies, It’s All Here!


Scrapple, Your Weekly Guide To The “meh”-worthy News: A Super-Sized Edition! From Horrible Law Proposals To Horrible Companies, It’s All Here!

We hope you brought an appetite, because this week we’re serving up a double-portion of everybody’s favorite group of leftovers! We’ve got the hot sauce if you’ve got the stomach, so belly up to the table and dig right into this week’s Scrapple!

1. The Nissan NV200 is officially NYC’s new taxi, becoming the ugliest Yellow Cab since the Checker Marathon.

nv200 cab

As much as people are going to complain about the choice, honestly, it makes sense: Nissan’s NV200 is a cheap little penalty box that can fit humans en masse, move forwards and backwards, stop, and possibly survive New York’s roads, taking place of the Ford Crown Victoria. And yes, Checker Marathons are ugly tanks. I said it. At least they have a classic charm…and can back through an NV200 without damage to the battering ram Checker called a bumper.

2. FCA executives are begging for a reboot of the Lancia Delta Integrale…

lancia

**snort!**…right. Lancia is all but dead and gone at this point, and Marchionne is so busy trying to play Matchmaker while simultaneously spooling up Alfa Romeo that there is just as much of a chance of Item #3 coming to pass…

3. …and possibly the ‘Cuda? (again with this one?)

cuda logo

At least there was a rumor mill to back this one up. Circa 2012, whispers had come out that FCA was going to bring out a “Barracuda” to replace the Challenger. Didn’t happen. Now that rumor has returned because FCA reapplied for the “Barracuda” trademark. We had a saying about this in the Army: “Wish in one hand and s*** in the other and see which one fills up fastest.”

4. Hello, Pot. I’m Kettle. 

jeep

The NHTSA, in a rare public dressing down, went after FCA over their handling of recalls, mostly for failure to notify owners and delaying repairs. They also have been on their ass over Jeep Cherokee/Grand Cherokee fires, which FCA has been contesting since the vehicles had passed the regulations when the vehicles were manufactured (1993-on). What it really appeared to be was the NHTSA scrambling to save face after a government audit pretty much said that the NHTSA was more dysfunctional than a reality show family and just as talented at their job. Not defending FCA here, but maybe the NHTSA should fix themselves before attacking weak prey. Or maybe they should just fold.

5. Bob Nardelli is a self-absorbed ass who needs to shut up. 

braying ass

Quoting Nardelli himself from a LinkedIn article titled “What I Learned Leading a Company Like Chrysler Through Bankruptcy — and Revitalization”, referring to Cerberus Captial’s time at Chrysler:

“We streamlined the business and reduced our break-even with $5 billion less cost and a structure that would survive at 10 million unit SAR of sales. In addition, we established a cash council that met daily and approved commitments for expenditures.

Concurrently, we redeveloped the heart of the product line, bringing new life to the Jeep brand; producing the RAM 1500, Motor Trend’s Truck of the Year; creating the new Chrysler 300 and the Dodge Charger and Durango; and producing the new Challenger in a record 18 months.

With a good healthy balance sheet between cost out and revenue growth, we had a viable plan for operations that could move forward post-bankruptcy. Basically, we established a company with no debt, no accounts payable, and an enhanced dealer network. We also put into place major union contract improvements.”

Not even remotely close. What really happened was that Nardelli refused government loans because they would’ve required him to cut back on executive compensation. When the ship really sank, Cerberus Capital took Chrysler Financial and sold it to Toronto-Dominion Bank for $6.3 billion. Nardelli’s delusions enraged Jalopnik writer Matt Hardigree so much that he penned a love letter to Nardelli that is so good, I would buy the man a beer just based on the merit of the article.

6. Proposed Law: The “Your Car Has Been Recalled!” Warning Light?!

check wallet

Of all the stupid…yes, three Democrat lawmakers are pushing a bill that would require auto manufacturers to have a warning light on the dashboard to indicate when your vehicle has been recalled. You can read more about it HERE. I’m just going to go bang my head against the wall for an hour.

7. Takata will not provide a fund for airbag victims

airbag

Until recently, Takata was almost unrepentant about their pipe-bomb-powered airbag systems that caused several gruesome fatalities, but now that they have admitted fault, their next step is to come out and say that they are not providing a victim’s fund. “At the present time, given the limited number of claims filed and the MDL [multi-district litigation] procedures in place that permit the efficient coordination of related claims, Takata believes that a national compensation fund is not currently required,” according to an official statement from the company. If Takata exists as a corporation this time next year, you can color me surprised.

8. Invention burns, sinks. Inventor asks for money for bigger dreams…hmm…

bikeboat fail

Meet the BikeBoat, minutes before the flaming contraption sank to the bottom of the English Channel. The concept was simple: one KTM 690 motorcycle, and a self-contained system that could convert the motorcycle into a watercraft. Sounds like a TopGear stunt, right? Yeah…well, after this epic failure, the group behind the BikeBoat started an IndieGoGo fundraiser to provide for the recovery of what’s left of Attempt #1, the building of #2 and #3, and a costs to run the new BikeBoats across the Bering Straight in 2016. Um…good luck?

9. Clarkson’s BBC contract keeps him from making a competitor show on a British TV station until 2017. Lots of moaning commences…

smug clarkson

…notice that Netflix isn’t a British TV station? I doubt Jezza’s really that worried.

10. Grandpa’s war room was a little bit better than most…

AA gun

You couldn’t make this shit up if you tried: a German man had a WWII-era anti-aircraft gun, a torpedo, and a WWII-era Panther tank removed from the basement of his house. And apparently neighbors knew he had at least the tank, because he had been seen driving the damn thing around in a snowstorm in 1978! So, for thirty-seven years, somehow a quiet neighborhood in northern Germany everybody managed to not say a word about the man with a damn tank in his house.


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3 thoughts on “Scrapple, Your Weekly Guide To The “meh”-worthy News: A Super-Sized Edition! From Horrible Law Proposals To Horrible Companies, It’s All Here!

  1. Beagle

    I choked my way through this – the last item is pretty far from MEH. It’s front page worthy!

    “Oh yeah? Well, your daddy may have just bought a new 43′ Fountain, but my grandaddy has a torpedo that will sink that turd and a tank to drive over the truck that drug it to the lake!”

    man. One up that on the playground!!!

  2. Scott Liggett

    A few years ago, BMW added a system that your car literally calls the local dealer on your bluetooth linked cell phone to tell on you that you have been driving for a month with the check engine light is on. Then someone at the dealer calls you while you are driving it to berate you.

    PS. that picture of the German WWII artillery is actually the terrifying 88 mm cannon that the instilled fear in the allies. It was used for shelling and as an anti-aircraft gun.

  3. ColoradoKid

    Hell MaTaggert ! Ya missed the only good goram news for the week

    Brandy spankin new rules and cars for the 2017 WRC season

    http://www.wrc.com/en/wrc/news/july/wrc-tech-rules/page/2586–12-12-.html

    Looking like a cross between Mini Group B and Group S with increased performance etc .

    Not that you deserve any good new after that puke fest you posted earlier . But what the hell . I’m a forgiving sort of a guy 🙂

    As far as FCA’s wish list ? Hell … they’d be better off praying to what ever ” Small Metal Gods ” they bow down before that they still have a job in another year or two never mind chasing fantasies and unicorns

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