Cale Smith gets the award for the farthest my eyebrows have raised in the “WTF” face motion to date from me. And they did it all with one 2005 Jeep Wrangler X. Not the Jeep itself…other than being a clean enough TJ Wrangler that hasn’t been modified to the moon and back, it’s otherwise unremarkable. There’s no turbo on the 4.0L six, and finding a two-door manual trans Jeep from the TJ years isn’t a stretch of the imagination. It’s not even in the category for a Rough Start find, so…what gives?
What gives is the description of the Jeep. Here’s a bit of candid information: my usual post for a BangShift blog hovers about the 300-word mark and when I go nuts, I might put down about 1,500 or so words. If I’ve done more, it’s a rare occurrence. The seller of this Wrangler laid down 2,033 words as their description of this Wrangler. And it is one hell of a sales pitch for a Wrangler that the seller doesn’t really want to let go of, but seems to be in a position where there isn’t another option.
For the sake of historical reference, I’m going to post the entire ad here for you to read it. The only thing I’ve done is break up the writing into a couple of paragraphs for easier reading:
It’s been an eleven year journey. One of the best and most loyal friendships I could have ever dreamed of. One that I know can never be matched. One where I could always count on her being there to catch any tears, smiles, or…. just simply be there. And…. One of the absolute hardest ones to bring to an end. Honest to god, never thought I would. Ever. This was a relationship that was suppose to outdo them all, even marriages. I remember the first time I laid eyes on her, I looked over at my date and said, “see that jeep? That’s my dream jeep. I’m gonna own that jeep.” A few days later, I went and test drove her and fell in love…. duh, right? It’s a Jeep, who wouldn’t fall in love. She’s really been my rock ever since. She’s caught tears, she’s created smiles, she’s helped me think, helped me get away, helped me relax, helped me be in the outdoors and enjoy life with the wind in my hair listening to music as loud as I could looking up at the stars and driving down some country back roads. This jeep, it’s my damn soulmate. And, it kills me to make this decision. Honestly hurts my heart, but priorities first.
So, here’s the sales pitch I really don’t want to pitch but,,,, I’m gonna. If you’re the freedom wind in your hair kind of person, that kind of person who wants to travel the roads less traveled, or the person that has that special hidden spot you go to get away that’s off that hidden little path over there yonder, by that bush next to the tree on the North South side. Well then she’s perfect for you. Think about it, you got those summer dreams right? Ya wanna get your ass to the river. You wanna float. Ya got yourself a kayak, or a canoe…. but you also got yourself a corolla or a focus,,,, or hell…. maybe a vw bug…. well you’re not going to look so outdoorsy or cool with your bug and a 14’ canoe tottering on it. Not at all. You’re just going to look silly. Like a city slicker that’s pulled over on the side of the road every mile trying to figure out how to get that there canoe to start looking more like a canoe up top of that there bug and less like a damn teeter totter on wheels. And of course, everyone else that’s headed to the river, well they’re enjoying the sight and the great laugh at your despair show with you as the star. Now, you prepared though, right? Strapped that son of a gun down, secured her, nice and tight. You even got up at 6am…. and you got your cranky canoe partner up and listened to her huff and puff and watched her hand flap all around the house all morning long while you guys got ready. Hell, you even left at 730am. Go you! But, well crud bud, now you’re pulled over because that there canoe just didn’t like sitting on top of that dorky little half circle enclosed riding mower that can’t make it up the hill on the highway with the wind catching that canoe slowing ya down and pulling her up like the titanic right before it sank and making it look like all hells gonna break lose. That suckers trying to get away. So now while you’re pulled over on the side of the road with that there VW canoe teeter totter titanic wanna be contraption, all these other river goers are passing you by…. beating you to the river. Filling up that long wait line. It’s alright, you stay optimistic about it, calm ol lil miss Huffy McPufferson down. Reassure her everything’s fine, tell her we got it now and ya hit the road again…. your 30 minute ride to the closest river float spot,,,, well it just turned into an hour and thirty minutes.
But, you, you little pusher througher you, you made it. And little ol huffy is getting less puffy with relief. Its 9am and y’all pull on up in the little teeter tot mobile and would you look at that! A damn wait?! Who’d of thought. Well crud bud again. And man, here goes huffy getting really puffy again. But, you calm puff down and get on out of that little teet tot, with puff by your side, and you start strolling on into the floating office, just excited as can be. But you hear a familiar noise. It’s chuckles, full blown laughter, and call outs “hey, we see you guys finally made it” and, here comes the puffs from huff starting back in…. again. It’s alright, everything’s okay, everything is just fiiiine. You tell puff to pipe down and shut the huff up and that you guys ARE going to have a good time! Well, crud bud again… That wasn’t a smart move, even though you don’t realize it yet though. So you’re angry and determined to get in there and get your canoe in the river and save the rest of the day. You sign papers, pay, and,,,, the river dude says “alright man, you got two buses in front of you man, and two vehicle drop offs. It’s gonna be about an hour to hour and half brother.” Puff looks at you, and you can tell she’s debating on now to let it all out or wait… luckily puff holds it in, but you know it’s coming. You ask the guy, “hey listen, if I slip you a extra ten could you let us go sooner?” “Man, I can’t, the buses have been here since eight they just saw you pull up, man.” Puffs getting more irritated and you’re getting more desperate. You’ve got your thinking cap on though, “okay, what if I slipped you thirty and a tic tac and you drive my bug up stream and back down here for us to float down to?” “Your bug, man?” “Yea, that VW bug right there with the canoe on it. You could say your taking you bathroom break and slip away and drop us off.” Puff looks at you like a genius, you’re thinking you’ve got this one in the bag. Then…. Laughter breaks out and canoe dude says “nah, man. I hate tic tacs and I can’t be seen driving your bug, that’s just goofy looking! Plus between your coolers, you, your hottie, and me, man, we won’t all fit in that cute lil ride of yours, unless your girl wants to sit on my lap? But I still don’t want to be seen in that, yo.”
Well puffs madder with you but is diggin’ canoe dude now. So you guys head outside to wait and you know you’re about to get a puffsplosion. BAM! Second you guys get out that door, she puffsplodes and walks off. So you sit, waiting for puff to calm down and come back. You wait,,, and wait. Your turns up to float, but no puff, so you pass… and continue to wait for her. Eight hrs later, here comes lil ol puff looking way less puffy as she’s the eye candy for a no bug driving no mishap having SOB and your heart breaks as she walks on by smiling with this new feller and hops in his ride and drives off into the sunset. I know, I know, her loss right, maybe. But dammit she gets tired of these constant situations. It snows, that bugs not crawling no where dammit. When she wants to get out and do something, you’re over there worrying about if the bugs clean and shinny and looks presentable enough when she doesn’t care if it’s clean or dirty she just wants to go and enjoy herself and have fun with you! So you lost your girl and you get back in your bug. You get your iPhone out to put on those pity party jams but click over to fb out of curiosity to see her page. Yup, she’s got new pics posted of her fun trip.
You start to close out fb, sad and depressed, but scroll down first….. and thank goodness you did! JEEP FOR SALE. You see that beautiful jeep in the pictures. You imagine yourself cutting lose in something that looks better with a little dirty dirt on it. You sit there picturing yourself driving down the road with your rug rats comb over crew cut, cool and fashionably in, hair do blowing in the wind while you’re wearing your hip Hawaiian shirt and in those short man shorts with your vans and ray ban sunglasses and man you’re loving life hitting those back roads, feeling freedom hit you and a change of luck. So you snap to, and you call that there number listed and BAM, next thing you know,,, after your six hour car ride home of course because that damn son of a gun canoe wouldn’t stay seated up top of that there tot….. but next thing you know youre pulling up and seeing that jeep in person. You’re in love. You’re shaking hands and grabbing keys and say hey, I’ll be back for the bug. Hop in your jeep and you leave excited as can be. You now get to experience the joys of going anywhere and doing anything. Not a puff on your mind. But hell, your first trip topless in your jeep, while you’re sitting at a stop light (which no longer bothers you because it’s like sitting in a chair outside,) you’re hear hooting and hollaring. You look to see what the commotion is. What the hell?! ITS YOU! You’re the gosh darn commotion. Well hells bells, these girls are cat calling you! The light turns green, dammit! But as you guys are driving down the road that fun looking one in the back seat, she yells “hey! What’s your number?” And grabs her phone. You quickly yell it back right before you turn down your road and they drive off. DING! She text! You guys talk and holy cow, you got yourself a new, fun, far less puffy, easy going, exciting, outdoor, canoe loving jeep sidekick. And she’s fly. Crazy how life turned around for you with making the right decision to buy that jeep. Plus, now you got all these new people wanting to be friends, waving at you in their Jeeps! What?! You’re a part of the Jeep wave club! And so you and your jeep live happily ever after.
Okay…. so, let’s talk about my jeep. SHE IS AMAZING. She’s 2005 X (4.0L, 6 cylinder for those unfamiliar, no lil four banger here.) with a six speed manual transmission. I’ve had her for almost 12 years now. Been a great vehicle and friend that I’ve shared 139,000 miles of road with while being her second owner after buying her with 21,000 miles on her (now, if you mathed that right you would have come up with that she has 160,000 miles on her and, I’m proud of you for doing that.) Shes got a hard top, full doors. AC, CD, Alloy wheels, tinted windows and, I love her. I SERIOUSLY ABSOLUTELY LOVE MY JEEP. Didn’t plan on doing this and instead wanted this to be my sons first vehicle which has been the plan since he and I drove her off the lot as he asked if he could have her as his first car. It breaks my heart but a moms got to do what a moms got to do. So, her rehoming/adoption fee is $7500. There’s plenty of Jeeps in Joplin but, not a deal like this, and not a Jeep that’s created some of the best memories a mom could have had with her kids. So if interested, message, call. Let’s talk about my jeep. I might cry… I will cry. Hell, I’ll probably snot bubble cry. Just ignore it. I’ll be okay. It’s someone else’s turn.
Has that gotten your attention? If so, you’ll have to click the link for the contact information.