The local video store finally cut the price so low on “Fast and Furious” that I rented it, despite my reservations. I may have been the last Bangshifter in America to have seen the fake “F-Bomb” Camaro pop unbelievable “wheelies” and take its lumps at the hands of pumped-up bad boy, Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel).
Predictably, “Fast and Furious” crashed vintage muscle cars at
rates faster than NHTSA and IIHS could combined. It’s what movie goers
expect from “the franchise,” I’m told.
Along for the ride was a 50-cent rental of another car flick, “The
Last Ride.” The Last Ride is a 2004 made-for-cable-TV movie staring
Dennis (“Easy Rider”) Hopper and Nadine (“My Name is Earl”) Velazquez.
Rob Cohen, who helmed the “The Fast and the Furious” (2001) and “XXX,”
was one of the writers and producers. Thus, when a pristine ‘69 GTO
Judge appeared at the start, I already knew it was on its “Last Ride.”
you have hung a pistol on the wall, then in the following one it should
be fired. Otherwise don’t put it there.”
The corrollary for muscle cars seems to be, “if you show a muscle car, you’d better crash it.”
As BangShifters, this ought to set off an internal debate:
Here’s how mine typically goes:
Old BangShifter: Oh man, I hope they don’t trash that sweet-looking [Buick Grand National,GTO, Charger . . .]
Young BangShifter: Crash it! Crash it!
Old BangShifter: You can’t be serious . . . they haven’t made those in decades! Most of us would KILL for one of those . . .
Young BangShifter: Come on, you can’t be serious? It’s for the “art.”
Old BangShifter: What “art?” All I see is mindless vandalism.
Young BangShifter: WHAT! “Vanishing Point (1971),” “Le Mans”, “American Graffiti,” . . .
“Gone in 60 Seconds (1974) . . . “The Blues Brothers,” “The Dukes of
Hazzard” . . . you loved every one of those . . . and they crashed
beaucoups of cars in them!
Old BangShifter: Don’t you mean “lots of cars?” And they only crashed one a-piece in “Vanshing Point” and “American Graffiti.” They weren’t forty-year-old
ones either . . . For the record, I thought the “Dukes of Hazzard” was
stupid.
Young BangShifter: You hypocrite! Why did you watch every episode? Hollywood’s been
crashing cars since the silent movie days. And you love a good crash-n-burn just as much as the rest of us.
Old BangShifter: No I don’t. It’s sickening the way
that Hollywood exploits muscle cars . . . And why do the cars always
have to explode into flames?
Young BangShifter: Exploits? Exploits! If it weren’t
for Hollywood, many moviegoers couldn’t even relate to some of these
antique muscle cars. I mean, after Nicky Cage whipped on that “Eleanor”
Mustang, people went crazy building clones . . .
Old BangShifter: And running up the prices on ‘67 Mustang bodies.
Young BangShifter: Just supply and demand, Baby!
Supply and demand. You think Dynacorn would have repopped them if “Gone
in Sixty Seconds” hadn’t puffed-up the market. Besides what would you
rather have, rusty old cars being crushed in anonymity or cloned into
muscle and snuffed in a blaze of glory on film?
Old BangShifter: I don’t want either. We’ve got a hard
enough job in keeping muscle cars on the road, without Hollywood
treating them as if there is an endless supply.
Young BangShifter: But it’s what action fans expect. CRASH AND BURN! YEAH!
Old BangShifter: Why should they? Is it because the
stories are so weak that the only thing to go see is the senseless
carnage? Isn’t this sending the wrong message? Would we tolerate it if
they really killed the animals we see in movies?
Young BangShifter: You think too much. You think every car movie should be “Hamlet” or something. Most of us just want to see some “hot bods” and “hot
wrecks.” Escape our dreary lives . . . Just enjoy the spectacle, Cuz .
. . .
Old BangShifter: What I’d like for them to do is make
a “car movie” that I’m not embarrassed to recommend to my non-gearhead
friends. . . A movie that has some substance. . . A movie that respects
and cherishes old muscle cars, classics, and hot rods as I do. . . A
movie that helps explain our passion about them. . . A movie that would
be good even if there wasn’t a “car flick.”
Young BangShifter: Oh, you want another “Gran
Torino.” BORING! The car was just a prop . . . It added nothing to the
story. It wasn’t even a real muscle car . . . .
Old BangShifter: “Gran Torino” wasn’t boring, but
it’s not what I’m talking about. When is the last time you saw a movie
that really and accurately captured the essence of hot rodding, or
racing, or any automotive passion?
Young BangShifter: Whatever . . . hey look, they’re about to crash another one . . . Woohoo! . . .
